


The Unexpected Job Haunt!

by Emmamariii



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fanatical Fics's Halloween Competition 2020, Podcast: Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:13:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27588659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmamariii/pseuds/Emmamariii
Summary: Professor Binns finds himself wondering if sending students to sleep by monologuging about golbin wars really is all there is to death.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3
Collections: Fanatical Fics Halloween Writing Competition 2020





	The Unexpected Job Haunt!

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Fanatical Fic's Halloweeb Competition 2020  
> Included Character (does not have to be the main character): Any existing canonical ghost OR any character as a ghost  
> Item: A pumpkin  
> Plot point: Takes place at halloween  
> Max Words: 2,000  
> Min Words: 500

„...which led to a deferral of the annual meeting of 1854 as several goblins from the Northern Wales congregation, amongst them Slamskull the 1st and Bogwag the 39th, were not inclined to accept the terms proposed by a group of diplomatic goblins sent over from France to overview the process of ...”  
It turned out that, with enough experience, one is able to not listen to oneself talk. And Cuthbert Binns had certainly enough experience. A lifetime full of it-even more than a lifetime. 2.4 lifetimes? One lifetime and 1.4 deathtimes? However long it might have been, Cuthbert had definitely mastered the art of not listening to himself talk. While his mouth kept listing dates and names referring to the political involvement of goblin movements during the Victorian era, a topic that had sent the class of Ravenclaws in front of him into a sound slumber about 30 minutes ago, he allowed his mind to wander. Not far, mind you, as Cuthbert had never been a dreamy or creative person. His life, and by now death, had been filled with facts. Facts of past wars, past conflicts, past conferences and past agreements, with names of wizards, good and bad, of goblins, peaceful and bloodthirsty, and of giants, mostly bloodthirsty, all of them rather dense. He liked it that way. He had chosen this profession and sharing his ever-growing knowledge with generations of young wixen had always fulfilled him. But lately... he could not quite put his translucent finger on it. Just...something felt...off. He was under no illusion, he knew that his teaching skills had not improved in his ghost years, though his commute had become pleasantly short since he was able to enter the classroom via the blackboard. He was fully aware that barely any student managed to stay awake, let alone listen to him (to be fair, the inability to use chalk to make notes that comes with one not being able to grasp solid objects had also not helped to further his didactic abilities). It had not bothered him too muchuntil quite recently.Teaching was the only life he knew. He had always done it and could not imagine doing anything else ever. And, truth be told, with his death already having come and gone rather unspectacularly, there was nowhere else to go from here and nothing else to do. Should he just aimlessly float around the castle all day? That seemed even more boring to him, than his lecture to the drowsily napping Ravenclaws. But still...what if...  
His train of thoughts was interrupted by his own voice coming back into focus: “For our next lesson, I expect one role of parchment on the question ‘Why was the reaction of the Birmingham conclave to Lagraps suggestion of 1858 considered untypical?’” While students jerked awake, taken by surprise by the bell indicating the end of the lesson, Cuthbert shuffled his translucent notes and turned around, ready to float over to his office for lunch break. He was already one food through the stone wall when a bright, airy voice called out “Excuse me, Professor Binns. Might I ask a question before you leave?” He turned around. A student with long silver-blond hair was standing in front of his desk, smiling shyly. “Yes, hrm, Miss..hrm”, he cleared his throat, trying to remember the girls name, “Miss...Hopefine? What can I help you with?” Why was it that he could name all Gurgs of Southern Norway from 1394 to today but when it came to the name of students his mind had apparently decided to not retain any trace of them? “It’s Lovegood, Sir.”, the girl replied, her voice friendly. “I don’t know if you heard but my father is editor of a magazine called the Quibbler. For this years Halloween edition, he is writing an article about ghosts in extraordinary positions.” Cuthbert stared at the girl silently, unsure what she was getting at. But Miss Lovegood continued unfazed: “As you are the only ghost on the Hogwarts staff, I wondered if you would be willing to give an interview about your teaching position and what inspired you to stay after your demise.” Cuthbert considered this for a moment. He was rather unsure that he would have anything of value to say on that topic. But then again, it had been a while since a student had asked anything in this classroom so he replied:”I will think about it, Miss...Faithgreat. I will get back to you next class.” “Thank you, Sir. My father would be honoured to speak with you whenever you are free.” And with this, the blond Ravenclaw turned around and wandered out of the room, leaving a slightly puzzled professor behind.

Floating down the marble staircase into the entrance hall later that day, Cuthbertpassed a row of magical enlarged pumpkins being arranged decoratively for the upcoming holiday. ‘Maybe it was Halloween approaching’, he thought to himself. Maybe that was the reason he felt ...different ...restless? All this annual celebration of spook in general and ghosts especially was a strange reminder of the fact that he himself was one. Not that he ever actually forgot, it just never really made a difference to him since he was doing almost nothing different than during most of his years with a physical body. Being a ghost was not anything special, neither good nor bad nor that different. Seeing humans, magical and non-magical, arranging this holiday around everything undead seemed pointless. Maybe that was why he was feeling this unusual itch.

Over the course of the next days, Cuthbert felt his mind wandering back to the conversation with Miss Hopegood. He did not even bother to listen to himself covering the First International Wizarding Committee, usually one of his favourite topics. An interview with him...about his profession. But what would he say, were he to accept? Why was he a teacher? Because it was all he had ever known. 26-year-old (and much more alive) Cuthbert would probably have given a different answer, something including the values of studying history and not repeating mistakes. But 2.4 life/deathtimes old Cuthbert had lost that idealistic view at some point. Mistakes were repeated all the time, studying history or not. The professor had enough self-reflexion to know that “I teach because what else should I do?” was probably not the interesting answer this editor was hoping for. So no to the interview. What else should he do? What else should he do? What else was there for a ghost? Nothing be would want to be doing, for sure...Trying to push these unwelcome and irritating thoughts and questions out of his head, he opened his copy of the evening prophet. It was not made of paper like the original newspaper, but out of the same mist-like material that formed his own body. One of his colleagues usually remembered to stab and hence murder the latest issue for him and while he had stopped keeping up with the daily politics, he still enjoyed the crossword section. Leafing past pumpkin recipes and gardening tips, a small ad caught his eye. In spikey letters it said “GHOSTS WANTED! Tired of spooking around your own castle? Why not try something new? We are hiring ghosts for our first Muggle Haunted House experience! Bonus payment for Halloween shifts! *Headlessness not required but preferred!” At the bottom of the ad was an address in London, not too far from Diagonally actually. Cuthbert stared at the advertisement. His life was too deeply routed in facts to believe in faith but then again... this unknown sensation that continued to overcome him these days, this itch in his fingers, this restlessness...This weird death-equivalent to a midlifecrisis. Maybe this was just what he was looking for. He was not headless and rather unsure if he had ever scared anybody in his ghostlife, but still. Why not try? Why not take heart –not literally though as he was not sure he still had one. It was not like he was short on time...

~~~~~ A passage of time (precisely 2 days) and space (approximately 936 km)~~~~~

“Name?”  
“Binns, Cuthbert”  
“Former profession?”  
“Professor for History of Magic.”  
“Any haunting experience?”  
“None so far.”  
“Any special spooking talents or abilities?”  
“None.”  
“Head fully attached?”  
“Yes.”  
“Bloodstains or rusty chains?”  
“No.”

The stout, small wizard in front of him looked up from his questionnaire and stroked his moustache, eyeing Cuthbert unimpressed. “Not much experience but then again two of our headless riders just took the week off to spend some time in the countryside to go for some long rides in the woods. And it is Halloween so this place will be packed and we might be slightly understaffed” The man sighed and adjusted his monocle. “Alright. If you want the job, I can offer you a trainee position for a month for now. Three spooks a day, four on weekends and you get your own room after closing time. Deal?” Cuthbert cleared his throat. Despite his old age and years and years on this earth, he felt nervous in this new and challenging situation. Still he nodded. “Great then,” the wizard went on. “Follow me, Mr.Binns.” He turned around and walked to the door. They had been sitting in/floating about armchairs in the living room of what seemed to Cuthbert as an almost regular Muggle house at the outskirts of London. The place sure was enlarged on the inside, to fit double the number of rooms compared to a normal house but other than that, there was nothing unusual or spooky about it. “Got a special permit from the Ministry for this project.”, the wizard explained while opening the door and crossing the hallway to the stairs. “You know how of course Muggles should not see or meet real ghosts but then again they will never believe their eyes anyway and it’s good money. You would not believe how many people are ready to pay to be scared into peeing their pants.” Cuthbert has followed him up the stairs onto the first floor. “I’ll introduce you to your co-worker. You two will be manning the Candles & Bones room, she can explain all the details to you.” The man opened one of the many doors and invited the former professor in. The inside of the room was dark, expect for a bunch of thin, white candles, some in holders at the wall, others lighting caved pumpkins from within. “HI!”, an energetic, joyfull voice sounded from the far corner of the room. “You must be the new hire! Sooo stoked to meet you! What’s your name?” Taken by surprise by this friendly welcome, Cuthbert stuttered: “Oh..Professor...hrm. Mr. Binns. Pleasure to meet you.” “A professor? Cool cool cool! And I’m Kim!” The ghost of a young woman with short, curly hair came floating towards him. Her clothes seemed up to date, as far as Cuthbert could judge. Things much like the students were wearing on weekends. She could no have been a ghost for long. He saw it in the way she avoided the several skeletons in her way instead of floating through them. He could not help but wonder how she had ended up here. Luckily, she offered up the explanation herself as she approached. “Look at you! You must have been dead for ages! I actually just died like a couple weeks ago! You know I was doing this podcast with Sequoia about fanfic and she read this story to me and it was Dracho or Chaco or whatever-it’s fine! And I just died! Like literally died. It’s fine...I guess. I will haunt her for that for sure though. Never mind. Sooooo anyway! Great you’re here! We will have tons of fun!” She grinned wildely. And even though Cuthbert had barely understood half of the words she just said, he felt like, she might be right. Having fun sounded good!


End file.
